I plan to immediately begin to try to change my view of my life’s circumstances.
I have been post-divorce single for eight years. I have continually rejected this situation. I have attempted twice to change my situation. But, my attempts have failed.
Both with whom I tried to form partnerships have turned out, after all, for me, to be a very unpleasant presence. Thus, both attempts failed. And both times, I walked away bruised, scarred, and in extreme pain.
So, maybe I want to be solo. You know, the attempted-acceptance attitudes like, “In partnership, the inevitable drama! Who needs it?!?”
Sometimes, one lands in a pile of dung through one’s own shortcomings. Then, the person declares, “This pile actually is a pile of gold. I love it; it is paradise”. Then the person plants a flag and declares, “In the name of my bruised ego, I hereby claim this pile of gold to be mine. I shall make it my home.”
I have always strongly believed this is utterly pathetic. That’s because I’ve witnessed it close-up.
Maybe I am hard-wired to be solo. Maybe I’m too selfish and inflexible to be a partner. Though these sound like excuses, I think they might very-well be true.
And, to reject the situation, again and again try to change it, and fail, seems the epitome of that joke about the definition of insanity: “To keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome”.
I can continue to reject reality while trying to change it. To reject reality, however, is psychologically-dangerous, I now believe.
The fact is, I cannot force anyone to be attracted to me.
But maybe there’s a another way, call it “compromise”, “hybrid”, or maybe even “paradox”:
Instead, I accept my situation. Accept reality: I am alone. Simultaneously, I can stay in circulation, “troll” (as in fishing, not as in online chat or online discussion boards), attempting to attract a potential partner. And if I attract no-one, it’s all good because I have accepted my situation. Trolling is not difficult: just regularly go some-where others gather. And simply “be” as Zen might teach. Again, this is not hard. It probably would preserve my emotional strength and health. Best of all, it probably would give me that precious gift, contentment.
However, this, too, may be so much gobbledegook double-talk merely masking my situation. Perhaps this, too, would be pathetic. But now, I think not.
I now recognize: to accept solitude, while seeking a partner, is not mutually-exclusive. This is not a zero-sum situation. Logic teaches shades of grey (please turn your back on the thoughts of those movies!), not monochrome.
Finally, there is a 900lb invisible elephant in the middle of the room: Why do I keep seeking incompatible women for partnership? I must find the answer. But, beyond that, this a big topic for another writing.
Accepting my circumstance while trying to change it is the only sane choice.
Many thanks to the one who inspired this. You know who you are.